Being a parent has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life and it's safe to say that I will ever do in my life. It is full of beautiful moments that I have shared here on my blog and other beautiful moments that I don't sometimes see right away. And being a new stay at home mom, it has become even more rewarding. I wouldn't trade places with anyone, anywhere, for any reason. I am where I belong. But with parenting also comes hard work and lots of it. Patience also comes with parenting (although I am truely learing this one). But the hardest thing in parenting is watching your child hurt. It hurts to watch them be in pain, physically, but this is nothing compared to watching them in pain, emotionally, and to be so unaware of how to help. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, so walking down this road again today was so scary and oh so hard.
For anyone from a broken home or dealing with a broken home, this pain is all consuming and very hard to talk about. I am watching my son self destruct at the hands of my ex, his father. I have seen this pattern of his fathers which leads to Chase's destruction many a times before. There are no phone calls for weeks, school starts to get overwhelming, home starts to get overwhelming, and everything tumbles down to the ground. We have started to rebuild his castle but this time it is a little different. It doesn't normally come out of his mouth that he is upset with his dad or that life sucks, but it did today. In the midst of getting caught destroying our Wii remote and the conversation as to why, it dawned on me. It all revolves about him-the ex. And after asking a simple "is this have anything to do with your dad?' it all came spilling out. The fact that he doesn't call but maybe once a month, or that he only asks the same questions, or that he doesn't seem to want to know about anything but playing outside. And then those famous words that I have repeated so many times to myself came out (and God I prayed that this wouldn't be the way he felt) - he acts like he doesn't love me. I have lived my whole life with these stupid words repeating in my mind/heart from my own past. And although our lives both contain a father that stepped in and completely filled those shoes, those words never leave. Because all it takes is one person, your father, to reject you as a person and life spirals out of control.
So here I am watching my son slowly spiral out of control. He is so lost and his father is so stupid for making him feel this way. And how do I fix this, remember no degree in mind studies, just a mom that came from a broken home as well and went through all of the same emotions he is. I am so mad at my ex and so incredibly sad for my son. I know that no matter how much love and understanding we give him, it won't compensate for his fathers lack of love and attention. We did all we could today to teach him some coping mechanisms to deal with this fact: his father isn't going to change and he has to find a way in his heart to make it right. And I know this won't make up for the fact that his father is an idiot for not being more of a part in his life, it is what worked for me. My ex has a few things to learn about being a dad and about being a father to Chase. He has NO IDEA what he is missing out on. Thankfully we have lots of love to give to Chase over these next few years as he learns about life.
If you have some extra minutes before you go to bed tonight, could you please send Chase a little love and help his heart to see all the people that love him. And when you see him next time, would you please pull him aside or take a minute to tell him how special he is to you. I think he needs this at this time but please don't do it publically, he doesn't do well with that.
I started out talking about how being a mom is so rewarding but like many a people will tell you , it is absolutely the hardest job I have ever done and will ever do in my life. I cry alot but nothing prepared me for the tears that have flown like rivers over my kids. Especially Chase, he is my wounded warrior.
Watching out for your children and watching them hurt, has got to be the hardest thing. Knowing I can't do anything but sit back and love him, is almost unbearable. I know Chase will be ok, he has too many people around that love him, but that isn't saying it won't take time. Thanks to our families for putting him first and coming to see him play football. Although he is good at every sport, he is truely LOVING football!
Here is the moral of my blog: If you are a parent of a child, especially a father, make sure that your daughter or son know that you love them. If you live far away, make time EVERY DAY to tell them this. So much damage is done to a child's life when this does not happen, even when the other parent provides triple the love, it doesn't make up for it. Your children need your love and attention, always.
To my son:
I love you dearly and want only the best for you. I will ALWAYS be your biggest fan and will never let you fall without being right there. I always have your best intentions in mind and want you to learn to be a good person before the world gets a hold of you. You make a proud mom and I love watching you grow everyday. Even when the times are tough, your growing and maturing make me smile. I know that once you are a father yourself, you will break this chain that you were born into. And although I wish you weren't born into it, that would mean I wouldn't have ever met you. And that my son, is a thought I can't stand to live with. You are my world. I love you forever!!
Here's to hoping our lives start to look up from here. Two little movie watchers are calling my name, gotta go
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