Bittersweet Day Tomorrow

Ugh I really hate these next few days, for nostalgic reasons. And although I know and truely believe that God has led me to be in this exact place, it doesn't make these memories go away. I am in love with my family and more importantly with my husband, so this post is NOT written because I am unhappy in any way. Far from that.
But this was a huge part of my life and my feelings and I can, no wait, I need to share.
This week marks these anniversaries:
* The day that Michael (my ex) and I started dating all those years ago. Juniors in high school and so incrediably stupid. We had that instant connection or spark. We had a very tumultous relationship. I don't think I remember a day going by where we weren't fighting with each other. And that never ended...
* And the best one, Tomorrow 3/11 marks the day that I went to court, by myself, sat in a room as my attorney read our decree and a judge asked me questions. Afterwards, I was asked to sign my marriage away. After so many months, almost years, trying to make this love work. It didn't. After having to be the one that actually filed the paperwork because he didn't see anything wrong with the way we were living. It sucked. And it ended in an old courtroom where I sat alone. He didn't even show up to officially say it was over. I remember sitting in my car, crying and just not even knowing where to start when it came to healing. But that came later...his name was Ryan. Remember God knew where I needed to be :)
Divorce is ugly. It is a devastating time that never leaves your mind. It marks your heart in ways you never thought it would. It makes you doubt every thing and I mean EVERYTHING about yourself. Even if you don't want it to, it does. It turns your best friend, into your mortal enemy without warning. It tears apart families and grandparents. Then to put a child in the mix, man, there are no words. The guilt that I will forever feel for putting my son through this is at times overwhelming. And that my friends SUCKS! But to know that I am now modeling what a marriage should be is reassuring.
And I hate these dates even more every year. Throw in his birthday (today) and our first kiss somewhere in the next few days, well it is a trip down memory lane I wish not to walk down. But I do. Everytime I see my son. Who is a spitting image of him, who acts like him, and walks like him. And although I know he is a totally different person, his appearance does jog my memory quite often.
My marriage that ended, ended with good reason. And I don't often take a look back...not as much as I used to. I am proud to say that he and I have tried to be more adult and have actually had conversations on the phone. Which for us, is great improvement. We have hopefully moved past the hurt.
I guess I just hate this time because it represents when our lives together started and when our lives together ended.
So Happy Birthday to my ex and the father of my beautiful son. As they often say, I got the best part of you.
Happy Divorce Anniversary to me...whatever that means? Sounds like something that needs a martini to celebrate it appropriately.

Looking forward to some warmer weather tomorrow with spring break just around the corner!!