Chase's Leaving

I have had this post in my mind for a while just wasn't sure what all would be put down on paper. Chase has left again for his daddy time in the summer. Every year when this time rolls around I always hope and pray that it will be easier, but it never is and I know it won't ever be. Chase has lived this life since he was 2 and he doesn't know it any other way but even with that said his leaving is as heart wrenching as it was the first time he left. This weekend was no different. He had many nights of crying and not wanting to go, which ultimately just means he will miss us. Our trip to the airport was so early which was good, kind of numbs all of us for the goodbye. As we hurried through lines since we were late again, he cried and couldn't even say goodbye to the girls or Ryan. As we got in the gate and checked Chase in, it was already time to load. I think sometimes we purposely do this rush and be late thing, it makes the goodbye so quick that at least for him, he can't see me break down when he gets on the plane. But this time was different. Chase just broke down himself and after several attempts for him to stay, I handed him over to flight attendant who was such an angel. And as my son walked down that long hallway to a life that leaves me out, he came running back. It was comforting and so sad all at the same time. How am I supposed to handle this?! I quickly thought of what to say to get him to laugh so that he could get on that plane as to not cause a stir. I manage to speak through my tears and got a smile on that beautiful face and quickly handed him off again. And as he walked away again my crying had to wait. But after counting to 10 mississippi I was free to let the tears come and boy did they! Looking out at the runway at the people working so hard to take my son to his dad, I just let them come. And after all the people were loaded and the airplane pulled back, there those pesky tears still were, falling like rain. And after realizing that the plane was out of sight, I went home with my tears. I don't think Chase will ever know just how much we and I being one of those we, miss him. But I know that Chase misses us just as much and hopefully someday he won't have to do this anymore. My final thought for this blog entry is a sad one to me at least. As I stood there in the terminal crying, saying goodbye to my son again, and then crying some more I realized there were at least 200 people standing there watching me. Watching this heart wrenching seperation take place and watching this mom stand there alone and cry for the son that she has put on the plane. And of those 200+ people how many came up and gave a kind word or even acknowledged what was happening, not a single one. Im not sure what was harder to realize, my son leaving or the fact that humanity has really taken a turn for the worse. Who can stand there and watch that happen and not say one thing? So sad.
I am glad to say that he made it to his dads ok and after talking to him on the phone, he seems to be having fun. We can't wait for his 45 days to be up and he will be coming home, to his family who misses him so!!

Birthdays

Kyndall turns one today and Ella turned 3, two weeks ago. Wow that is a joyous but bittersweet sentence to type. Where has the time gone? As I was talking to Ryan about this fact of our lives last night he just couldn't believe that it had been only a year, and I agreed. This year has been one long year but looking back in regards to our babies, it has flown by. And as sad as I am that I can no longer cuddle with Kyndall for hours on the couch or listen to her slow breathing while she is asleep in the bassinet right beside me, I know that life has so much more in store for us. I look to Ella as the example. I so miss those nights when Ryan would sneak her into our bed and we would play with her at 11 o'clock at night, laughing and playing peek a boo. We would fall asleep with her between us and I just knew he was counting his blessings just as I was. But life is so different now with her and I wouldn't go back if I had the chance! She is such a huge part of our lives and enriches our whole world with everything she does. From her "oh come on now" when I won't let her have her way to her random "I love you mom" when she just knows I need it to her needing to put on makeup just like mommy, she is the daughter that I have always dreamed of. I already so proud of her acheivements and can't wait to see more as her life goes on. And just as I love Chase and wouldn't go back to when he was younger (although when he has attitude maybe) she reminds me that I need to live life just as it is, NOW. So instead of being sad and reminensent of the year that has passed in our littlest ones life, I am going to be happy to still have her around. And just as there will be times that remind me of how fragile she is (yesterday took a tumble down our stairs face first, yeah that was scary and I am still crying) there will be times that remind of just how strong of a women she will become. Wow that was a hard one to type as well. I am so proud to be their mom and can't believe that all of my kids are growing up so well. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my two girls. You make my heart swell with pride and I couldn't be happier to be your mom!