My Life

My life as a mom has always been split into two halves: the time when I have my son and the time that I don't. And as a mom with this split life, the days/hours/and minutes that lead up to his departure from our family is horrible.  After taking 2nd place in the state championship game this weekend, my heart realized that this time was about to happen again. I heard coach say "we'll miss you bud" and I lost it. I couldn't breathe...I had to turn around. I felt the fire in my cheeks....I need to get away. The tears were flowing and I didn't want a soul to see me like this. I held in my tears so hard or so much that my whole upper body hurt. I haven't had this happen. It didn't stop there on that baseball field...it is still continuing today. There is nothing like driving your son to the airport, check in his bags, and then sitting with him at the gate. There is nothing more heart wrenching.  He will be waking up tomorrow, eating his breakfast, and kissing me goodbye for a month. There will be lots of tears and lots of I love you's. Then he will load himself into the car and ride to the airport with Ryan comforting his sadness. I absolutely hate this half of my life. I hate being without my baby....I hate being without my firstborn....I hate not seeing his face.....I hate not hearing his laugh....I hate not seeing him play with his sisters.
But with all of my pain and feeling of loss, what does he feel? How much pain does this little man feel towards his two halves of his life? What kind of feelings does he have that he doesn't tell me or write in his journal? I can't even imagine.
I know that this month will go by quick and I already have a laundry list of things to keep me busy. I know that he does also. He has lots to do with his dad and lots of memories to make with him. But I will still miss his craziness, his love, his hugs, and most of all his smile!!
So for my son on his last night at home here is my prayer for you: I pray for a safe flight to dad's and safe flight home. I pray that you will go to bed each night knowing that I have thought about you all day. I pray that you know just how much this time hurts and how much I know it means to your dad. I pray that you will see that this is not what life is meant to be for kids and learn from it. I love you all the way to the moon and back. Goodnight my baby.
I promise tomorrow will be a better post....just had to share my thoughts tonight.